Remember just a few years ago, when the Segway Personal Transporter was going to reinvent the way we design our cities and live our lives?
The upright scooter has officially replaced the AMC Gremlin as Hollywood's No. 1 go-to sight gag. And it's pretty much the only punch line in "Paul Blart: Mall Cop," the latest vehicle for comedian Kevin James to make a few dozen more self-deprecating jokes about his weight.
Playing the lonely-but-upbeat security guard Paul Blart, James seems to be going for the same sad-sack vibe that John Candy achieved two decades ago in "Planes, Trains and Automobiles," but he ends up closer to Robin Williams' character in "One Hour Photo." His attempts to woo a comely seller of hair extensions, played by Jayma Mays, are particularly creepy, as his courtship mostly consists of stalking the poor woman. Not since "Seinfeld" was on the air has a movie or TV show done more to promote the fantasy that hot women are really looking for schlubby guys with bad jobs and unbearable personalities.
"Blart" gets slightly better once the bad guys arrive, in the form of tattooed thugs who ride skateboards and practice parkour as they run and jump through the mall. They barricade the doors, take hostages and execute a plan that seems to involve collecting credit card numbers. (Wouldn't it be easier to just root through a few trash cans?) From there, it's just like "Die Hard," except with less bloodshed and more obesity jokes.
The action sequences are just as ridiculous as the romance parts, but at least James seems comfortable with the pratfalls and gross-out scenarios. A scene where the hypoglycemic Blart must decide whether to eat a lollipop covered with garbage is funny. Another sequence where Blart must fight the bad guys Viet Cong-style in a Rainforest Cafe shows what this comedy could have been.
But it's amazing at times how little fun the makers of "Paul Blart" have with the suburban mall setting, which seems as if it should be filled with comedic opportunities. Hot Dog on a Stick by itself should be good for three or four laughs, even in the hands of an inferior screenwriter. All the mall in this movie does is make you think how much you would rather be watching "Dawn of the Dead" or "Fast Times at Ridgemont High."
"Paul Blart" is one of those films that Adam Sandler produces but doesn't appear in. It's similar to "Grandma's Boy" and "The Benchwarmers," which feature Sandler-style humor on a much smaller budget. I suppose the food equivalent would be that nacho cheese that comes in a can with little chunks of jalapeño mixed in.
In the defense of "Paul Blart: Mall Cop," the movie is rated PG, and clearly aimed to appeal to crowds that might be too young or prudish for "Role Models" or "Tropic Thunder." This is a film for people who miss the family-friendly and plot-thin slapstick of the "Home Alone" sequels, and it does deliver a few cheap laughs. It's pretty hard not to laugh when a Segway PT smashes into the back of a minivan.
-- Advisory: This movie contains mild crude and sexual language, violence and actor Peter Gerety, who deserves better. We really need to start a good-actor bailout fund, so people who were on "The Wire" and "The Sopranos" don't have to appear in Doritos commercials and bad Kevin James films.
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